


Moments

by River_Song (Effie_Peletier)



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Once and Future King, Pain, Sort of plot, badly written pain, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 02:38:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17479631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Effie_Peletier/pseuds/River_Song
Summary: Moments that lead to Merlin finding out just how long he was going to have to wait for Arthur to return.





	1. I

It was Gaius he lost first, after everything he’d been through he had forgotten that of course Gaius was an aging man… sure he possessed magic and was strong, but age caught him in the end. It was quick and unpainful, just drifted off in his sleep. Merlin of course was not prepared for it. After everything that had happened after Camlan, how could he be prepared to lose another friend so quickly? So easily. Gaius had not only been a friend but a mentor, a father to Merlin… his loss was felt by everyone in the Kingdom. 

A slow tear rolled down the pale cheek, his eyes glowing one last time as the boat caught and fired to life, he watched as its light moved away from him. Hands shaking by his sides, nose running, eyes not shifting from the small boat that sailed into the mist of the lake. A warm hand slid into his own and he couldn’t help but stifle another sob.  
“I’m so sorry Merlin…” Gwen’s voice was soft and gentle, she placed her head on his shoulder and they stood for a moment, taking in the sight. There was nothing Merlin could do about the passing of time of course, unlike what happened with Arthur… he still ached over his passing, still lay awake at night wondering how he could have been so foolish. He knew that it would be Mordred that would kill Arthur and yet he did not find him straight away, he saved others, when it was his job, his destiny to save Arthur and he had failed. His life was meaningless.  
“Let’s go back to Camelot Merlin.” Her voice brought him back from his thoughts, he nodded simply and allowed her to move him to their horses. 

If he allowed himself to think about much else, he could at least be thankful for Gwen, she knew now of his powers and had accepted them gracefully. She had even restored magic to the kingdom, allowing for magic folk and druids alike to be welcomed back with open arms. Of course, they still had a long way to go, and there was danger around every corner, but for most days they lived in peace. Merlin was made the new court physician and he found that he rather enjoyed practising science as well as magic. He tried to keep himself busy, help those he could with Gaius potions and treatments and not rely on magic completely, unless he really needed it. There was a lot he still had to learn of course, the crystal cave had shown him his potential but he had not fulfilled it completely, if he had… perhaps he could have saved Arthur… there were days where he couldn’t find the strength to move and marvelled and how Gwen found the power to do anything after losing the king. It was like a part of himself had died with Arthur, a meaning for his existence had up and left with that stupid prat of a man who should still be here with them. With him.

“Merlin…” Percival’s voice brought him out of his thoughts, he scrubbed a hand over his face and turned to view the taller man. Flashing him a dry smile.  
“Can I help you?” he asked, trying to make his voice a little less hoarse than it was.  
“The queen would like to see you.” Merlin nodded in response and moved over to follow the other to the queen’s chambers.  
“I’m sorry for your loss Merlin, we all are, it’s been a rough couple of years, but Camelot will pull through, we will all make the world a better place.” Percival shot a smile at Merlin who nodded solemnly back at him.  
“Thank you.” He managed as they reached Gwen’s chambers. Merlin watched as Percy waved back at him and then slipped out of sight around the corner. He knocked on the heavy door and waited for the voice behind it before pushing it open.  
“You wanted to see me.” He stood, hands behind his back, chin up. Pretending, acting, after all this was his job, to seem like everything inside of him wasn’t crumbling and breaking.  
“Yes, I just wanted to see how you were Merlin. It’s been hard – on all of us but you and Gaius, well he was like your father and I don’t want to sound – I know what it feels like to lose every one that you care about and I just want you to know that you and I – we were friends long before I married Ar – I just, we can talk. When its me and you, I’m not your Queen, I’m your friend and you can tell me anything….” She trailed off, her eyes searching his features.  
“I know, thank you. You have always shown me kindness and treated me as your equal. I – “ Merlin paused, fighting everything in his body that was telling him to cry, he dared a look at Gwen and couldn’t help himself.  
“I failed Gwen. I failed you, I failed Gaius, I failed magic and Camelot and Arthur… everything I was meant to do – that HE was meant to do, and I let him die Gwen… I couldn’t save him, he’s dead because I wasn’t able to save him and now I don’t have anyone left to tell me what to do” Tears were streaming down his cheeks now. “I don’t know what I have to do anymore Gwen, I was meant to keep him safe, to keep him alive and now I’m suspended here – alone, the Great Dragon’s gone, with promise that Arthur was the once and future king, but what does that mean – am I just supposed to wait for him? Just supposed to believe that somehow, he’ll come back? And what then? What happens then?” he stopped himself, palming the tears away from his eyes, he shook his head. “I’m sorry Gwen. I feel empty and I don’t know what to do.” 

Gwen moved over to him, wrapping her arms around him and holding him there, squeezing slightly. “I don’t know about your destiny or your future. But right now, Camelot needs you. I need you. Focus on that and I am sure that you will find your way. You’ve always known the right path, this time, you’ve got to find it on your own. I believe in you Merlin, I always have.”


	2. II

20 years of peace, of rest and happiness in the land. Gwen as the Queen had been diplomatic and strategic and brilliant. Merlin had watched her bloom into a beautiful, brave, amazing woman and he couldn’t have been prouder. Only he was also watching her age, something which he had discovered he did not do normally. Perhaps as his father had said in the Crystal Cave, as he was part of the world itself, perhaps he did not age, only grow stronger, and yet he had to suffer through watching everyone he loved leave him. There was nothing he could do of course, nothing to stop the passage of time. But with each year that went past he knew that news would come of another person that he loved had died… 

Gwen had held his hand again as he watched his mother float away, he was becoming somewhat used to losing people, instead of crying he would feel numb and lost for a couple of weeks and then be able to regain some normality in his life.   
It was he that held Gwen’s hand as they watched Percy join the people they loved in lake Avalon, the mist of the morning glowing as they watched the fire get swallowed by the mass of grey. It took them a long while to find their feet after that, but losing a knight was common, or it had been in the days that they remembered. They would hold festivals and feasts to mark remembrance days for the people they had lost. But once a year, Merlin was relieved of his duties, he would go down to the lake and sit, dawn till dusk, watching the leaves fall into the shimmering surface, the ripples, like shockwaves over the clear water, and he would cry. He would allow himself to feel the losses of every single person he had lost. Every person that had meant so much to him, all the people he had loved. Sometimes he would allow himself to believe that he would be able to see their faces in the water. If he looked hard enough. But it never came to any avail. 

It was another 10 years before he found himself alone at the lake side, watching as the queen was swallowed by the mist. He allowed himself again to cry. Gwen had been the first friend he had made in Camelot. The first person that had cared for him. A woman he had cared for so deeply that he did everything in his power to protect. But there was nothing he could have done about the passing of time. There were times he wished he could have died along with Arthur. Then he wouldn’t have had to suffer the losses that he had. He would have been able to have had a good life, a happy life. But for the past 35 years he hadn’t laughed, not as hard as he used to. Not like when Arthur would do something prattish. Or tell him to shut up. He hadn’t smiled as wide as when Arthur would punch him on the shoulder and pretend he didn’t care about him. All the people he had cared about were gone now. Gwen had never had children but had left the kingdom with Leon’s great lineage. There was nothing left for Merlin in Camelot now. Just ghosts and memories. 

He left the kingdom and didn’t look back, building himself a shack next to the lake and allowing time to move slowly past him. He helped those who were lost. He allowed for people to take cover in his home. But not long enough for him to feel attachment. He would never get close to anyone. Not ever. He couldn’t face the pain of it. 

As time changed, so did he. It had been thousands and thousands of years. Merlin could see a whole new world coming to life. A world that had been through world wars and famine. A world that had forgotten that magic existed. He and Arthur had fallen into legend, perhaps where they belonged. Merlin found himself happy that his existence was unknown to the world around him. It allowed him to move freely, to live where he needed to live, to ensure that if Arthur ever did rise. Merlin would know and be able to help him. 

It was his destiny after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed! Feedback would be appreciated! <3


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